This should not need to be written, but it does. Anyone who doesn't have enough sense to grasp these basic concepts ought to be banned from every theater in the United States. Maybe in foreign countries too but that doesn't affect me. When I am in another country, I do not go to the movies. (Nor do I eat at American chain restaurants or expect to be able to buy diet Mountain Dew and have salad dressing. But that's another blog.)
Back to this movie thing.
1. Get there on time and shut up. You might not care about the previews but I do.
2. Go the restroom before you come in. I will forgive you for tripping all over my feet once but I won't forgive you twice.
3. If you don't understand the plot, don't ask a lot of questions of your friends. In fact, don't ask any questions. Shut up. When you get home, read about it on the internet.
4. You notice I said, "When you get home". Do not whip out that smart phone for any reason. You may think texting and looking up the movie plot won't bother anyone but you are flashing it in my eyes and I don't like it.
5. In fact, turn that phone off. If you cannot make yourself do that—and so many cannot, it seems—leave it at home. If you can't do either of those things, stay home with it.
6. Do not bring your preschooler to an adult movie. I have no interest in having him cry, talk, and kick the back of my seat.
7. By the same token, if you are an adult and choose to go to a children's movie at two o'clock on Saturday afternoon, expect crying, talking, and kicking. Take it with good grace. You're on their turf now.
8. If it's a musical, don't sing along. If the public wanted to hear you, you would have been cast.
9. And could you please wait until you get all the way out into the lobby to turn your phone on and start reading and replying to those very important text messages that you received in the last 214 minutes? I mean, I know they're important. Your 23 BFFs had to let you know that, OMG, they are ROFLMAO at the picture of the duck riding a Great Dane that you sent them earlier and you need to give them a VBS back. But you see, chances are excellent that I need to go to the restroom since I haven't tromped down the aisle over your feet and you are slowing me down. DUGI?
10. If you are on a first date with a person you met on the internet, do us all a favor and go to Starbucks instead. I don't want to hear you try to build a relationship in two hours.
11. If I haven't made it clear yet:
Not you, of course, and certainly not here.
These can't be all the rules. Do you have some?