Okay, Listen Here

Okay, Listen Here

Monday, August 9, 2010

GUY FASHION RULES

Men do not understand the workings of the female mind. That's a fact. They will tell you. Well, I'm not sure I understand how the male mind works much better--at least the male mind that belongs to my own particular male. This was brought home to me last night--again.

My neighborhood had a social last night and my good friend and neighbor, Precious, called to ask me what The Guy was going to wear. That was easy. I didn't even have to ask him. "Khakis and polo shirt," I told her. Precious hasn't lived in the neighborhood long and has never been to one of these soirees. I told her if she wanted to dress Mr. Precious up in shorts, that would be fine. The attire is always kind of Muffy Matron meets aging fraternity boy.

"Is The Guy wearing khaki shorts?" she asked.
"Oh, no. God, no." I had to tell her. "The Guy doesn't wear shorts--not unless he's actually on a boat. He's got a lot of rules."

"Really? Do tell." She was fascinated and I know why. She, too, is forever on a quest to understand the male mind.

I listed off his fashion rules:

1. No pink shirts.
2. No lavender shirts.
3. No short sleeve button-up shirts unless they are Hawaiian print, seersucker, or linen and then never to work.
4. No flip flops unless he's on a boat and then they must be Teva.
5. No sandals, ever, period.
6. No matching pajama sets. PJ pants are fine, but they must be worn with a t-shirt.
7. No umbrella, no matter how hard it's raining.
8. For formal wear, vest, no cummerbund, and no black patent shoes.
9. French cuffs when possible.
10. No boot cut jeans.
11. Absolutely, no, never, never, never big pony Ralph Lauren shirts; don't get him started.

Now mind you, he has never told me any of this stuff. I just know. And lest you think all this is because he views himself as some kind of cock-eyed conformist, think again. Case in point, he owns a pair of zombie contacts that he bought just for Hallowe'en. He wears them every Hallowe'en--even to work. Heaven help us if he ever has an important meeting that day.

Here he is. As you can see, he has no problem with orange shirts. Normally, his eyes are a lovely hazel.



How about the guys in your life? Do they have any fashion rules? Do they make any sense to you?

11 comments:

  1. My guy has similar rules - none ever discussed (for thirty years) but I know them by heart. His main fashion statement is to wear blue - varying shades but never aqua. He will wear orange - at football games (hehe). He will wear shorts but only at the beach. His rules mimic your Guy's rules so I don't need to discuss them. Sometimes I used to make a foray into his closet and put a shirt (not blue) in there that I would like to see him in. Invariably that shirt would still have it's tag (five years later) and eventually go to a charity. I have quit doing that. His work attire is scrubs so I don't have to worry about meetings and how he will look (heaven knows I would lose that fight too). He doesn't worry about how he looks - he lets me do that.

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  2. Brains... Brains..... (Cue Night of the Living Dead)

    Awesome post, Jean! Love the guy's contacts. I have to say, he looks pretty darn scary.

    My DH has rules, but they've softened through the years, especially after #2 went to Fashion Design school and told him something was all the rage. He wears purple and pink shirts. Button up short-sleeve shirts. And we even got him into a linen suit for #2's wedding. He wears sandals too. Flip Flops only at the beach. He's got muscular legs and wears shorts. Most days, he asks me to pick out a tie to go with what he's wearing.

    Wait a minute... My guy might wear the zombie contacts! I think I'm good. ;)

    On a side note: I just bought Jane Slayre, a spin-off of Jane Eyre. Can't wait to read it. In this book, our beloved long-suffering Jane is a demon-slayer. :D

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  3. Kathy - I've been wanting to read that book! Let me know if it's good.

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  4. My soon-to-be-ex spent way more on clothes than I did. He wore pink shirts, flip-flops and sandals (whether at the beach or not), shorts and loves Ralph Lauren clothes. He also carries an umbrella. My wardrobe is more along the lines of "what's on sale at Ross." The Playfriends are helping me though. I'm a work in progress.

    Love the zombie contacts! Those are just way beyond cool. My older son would love those. This is the son who would shop at the thrift store during college and wear the worst looking clothes he had when he did so because he told me the worse you looked, the more likely they were to give you a discount. Discounted thrift store -- that's got to be darned near free.

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  5. My Dark Knight faithfully upholds Rule #5: absolutely no sandals, ever! He'll wear something like flip flops on a boat, but never sandals. Never. He even has issues with peep toe shoes for women... He would like the zombie contacts, though.

    That book sounds cool, Kathy.

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  6. Cheryl--I think they all got together (without telling us) and made a macho and a not macho list. The Guy will wear a quirky tie--sometimes.

    Kathy--The Guy has a linen sport coat. I was surprised when he bought it. But just in case it might not be manly enough, he has elected to not care if it is wrinkled or if it needs to be dry cleaned. I guess that balances it out.

    PM--You always look beautiful and classy in your Ross finds. The Guy likes Ralph Lauren--just not those shirts with those five inch high ponies on them. Here's a link for weird contacts. I'm not sure where They Guy ordered his. They are prescription, but you can get clear ones.

    http://colormecontacts.com/index.htm

    Crystal--You'd think their feet would get hot. I guess they don't care. When I have tried to ask about his reasoning he says, "I just don't wear that." Okay.

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  7. You know, I hadn't given it a lot of organized, conscious thought outside of the clothing store. Thanks for making me examine it! I learned through trial and error in the first year of my marriage. He'd never outright refuse anything I bought him, unless it involved cowboy paraphernalia(something about the childhood trauma of having hollering red-neck parents), but he would pull the quietly stubborn maneuver of not wearing something I'd bought him. The silent mulish behavior would continue even as I'd test him by letting his wardrobe dwindle down to only those articles. At which point, he'd break down and mumble a request that his closet be refreshed. I don't have a clear understanding of the reasoning behind the preferences and prejudices of my man, but I can list them:

    #1 and #2 he's in agreement with completely, then he deviates on the rest. He -never- wears shorts. If it's over 100 degrees and he happens to be wearing zip-off cargo pants, he'd rather die of heat stroke than be self-conscious over his 'chicken legs'. He also won't leave the house without his hair gelled and styled to his metrosexual specifications. If his hair is too long to hold product, he won't go out in public without a bandanna or hat to conceal the fact. No light or denim-colored jeans. No shirt patterns that could be construed as plaid, or even forming any square patterns. No flip-flops(least he draw undue attention to the hobbit-feet) But really, it's been a gradual improvement from when I first met him, when he refused to wear anything but cargo pants, and would only wear a t-shirt if it had a picture of a dragon on it. >.>

    Men. Such quirky creatures.

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  8. Gotta love 'em though. Hobbit feet! FOFL

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  9. That's too funny, RedPeril. :)

    I do need to add that my guy is an Alpha male and it took many years to get him to wear purple and pink. 30 in fact. Now he'll put stuff those colors on without thinking, but only in a dress shirt. He's very conservative with his everyday wear. Not as bad as my father was though. LOL!

    Cheryl, I've heard great things about Jane Slayre and I'm excited to read it. Mr. Darcy Vampyre was very good!!

    Crystal, love how you refer to your guy as the Dark Knight. ;)

    PM, I love getting a good deal! And thanks for telling me about Ross years ago. I heart Ross! I don't normally go to Thrift stores. When I have gone, I've seen some amazing stuff though. :D

    Happy First Day of School, Stephanie!!

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  10. RedPeril--I don't buy his clothes. It would not go well. You are a brave woman! My guy doesn't like plaid either--though he has a kilt. And that's another story.

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  11. Kathy-Thanks for the back to school well wishes.
    I am happy to say that my day went very well.

    You gals have all been cracking me up with your comments about your guys and their fashion sense, or lack there of!!

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