Okay, Listen Here

Okay, Listen Here

Monday, May 31, 2010

That Was Supposed to be Easy or Naked in the Kitchen

Have you ever noticed how often something that's supposed to be easy, turns out to be hard?

I had a lot to do Friday. Pay bills, get new tags for our cars, buy groceries, do laundry, and get some words out of the too-long manuscript. I accomplished the first three in a reasonable amount of time. Since I'm a multi-tasker, the laundry was moving along all right too. I put in some steaks to marinade so we could have an easy dinner. Then I was going to take five minutes and whip up some pimento cheese so I could dedicate the rest of my day to THE WORDS.

The Guy loves pimento cheese. You'd think he was born southern and had been fed off bridal tea and baby shower tables since birth. Not so. He came to me thinking that the Kraft pimento cheese spread that comes in those little juice glasses is the real deal. I disabused him of that notion and he's been on the pimento cheese train ever since. Precious—of book club and beach trip fame—makes the best on the planet and she has coached me into being able to create a pretty fair facsimile.

I was all ready. I had the food processor out, plus my pepper jack and sharp cheddar (equal parts), light and full fat Hellman's mayonnaise (equal parts to desired consistency), and the sacred jar of chopped pimentos. Now let me say, I don't know what Precious does, but I buy the big jar. If I'm going to make pimento cheese, I don't fool around. If you aren't going to put enough pimento in it, you might as well buy that Kraft stuff. You won't have anything fit to eat, but you would at least end up with a tacky juice glass.

It would be appropriate at this point to tell you that I did not put on an apron. "Who," you may ask, "wears aprons in this day in age?" Well, me. I am messy and the people in my life understand that. Thanks to their generosity, I always have a decent stack of cute aprons, clean, folded, and ready to go. Usually, I have the sense to put one on, but how much trouble could I get into in the time it takes to make pimento cheese?

And, indeed, it was going okay. I grated the cheese and put it in the mixing bowl. I put the processor and blades in the dishwasher without spilling cheese or my blood. The mayo was ready.

Then…I reached for the pimento and the tea towel I would need to give me purchase to remove the sealed top. The top never came off. Apparently, the jar was cracked because it came apart in my hands. Turns out, chopped pimento is a little like glitter, in that the second you turn it loose, it's everywhere. On the counter, on the white cabinets, on the floor, and—most of all--on me. I was wearing what I consider to be one of my midlevel ensembles—orange linen pants, a nice white t-shirt, and orange flip-flops—you know the kind of thing you'd wear to the courthouse and Publix, but not out to dinner.

My friends, if there was ever in doubt, let me assure you, orange and red do not look good together. It didn't do a lot for my favorite white t-shirt either. If only there had been a pimento parade, I could have gone as a big pimento monster. Since there was no such function to attend, I clearly had to shed my clothes. When I moved, I squished. I'd never had pimento juice in my bra before. When I took a step, pimento went flying. I had just deep cleaned my kitchen a few weeks back and this was doing nothing to maintain anyone's definition of pristine.

I stripped right there by the sink. Then I balled up my clothes and tiptoed to the laundry room. In retrospect, I don't know why I thought tiptoeing would keep the house painters next door from seeing me. I don't think they did but I didn't give it too much thought. I was having enough trouble. I put on a shirt covered in spots from the pre-treat solution that was necessary because of another time I didn't wear an apron.

Eventually, I got everything cleaned up. Since I'd bought two jars of pimentos, I even ended up with pimento cheese. But, counting the phone calls I had to make to illicit sympathy from The Guy and Oldest Friend, it took me two hours. Plotter is lucky she was at school or I would have called her too.

The upside was, by the time I got to the WIP, cutting words was a cinch.

What have you incorrectly expected to be easy?


The winner from Friday's contest is Sherry. No, our hero's name is not Dane; it's Luke. But both names are one syllable and start with a consonant. We admit, it wasn't the best idea for a contest so we had to readjust. That's probably going to happen again.

Sherry, you've got a prize coming.


  1. Oh yeah..'cept mine involved defoliant. I had filled a pump sprayer, thinking I'd spray the defoliant around the flower bed (lots easier than pulling weeds). Only my boys ( a couple of teenagers) had put the sprayer together for me...not completely. I pumped up the pressure, ready to spray and the tubing shot off, filling my face, clothing and bra with the stuff. Thinking of Agent Orange syndrome, I ran to the garage and stripped, not a pretty sight (and I am glad no one was around). Then I ran to the washer, threw the clothes in and then ran for the shower. My husband thought I had lost my mind. So far none of my hair has fallen out...

  2. Everything takes longer than it takes, costs more than it costs and if anything can go wrong it will, at the worst possible time.

  3. It was no less painful to hear because of a couple hours of delay. It sounds very messy and stressful.

    Glad it turned out ok.

  4. Cheryl, The Guy often gets sprayed with cotton defoliant in the fall. That's what happens when you won't put the convertible top up. I hope neither you nor he wakes up with an extra arm.

    OF--That is the truth. We've learned it many times, yet we never seem to believe it until it happens again.

    Plotter--I don't seem to want to eat the pimento cheese. That's a good thing.

  5. Store bought pimento cheese! I swear my Granny would roll over in her grave if I bought any of the stuff! LOL But I hate you had to deal with an exploding pimento jar. Just glad you didn't get cut! Kitchen disasters are never easy to clean up. I once dropped a jar of spaghetti sauce on a tile floor. For weeks I kept finding evidence of it.
    Our home projects are what gets me. What is suppose to take only 2 days ends up taking 2 weeks. Only because Hubby has to make it bigger and better that the original plan. (Argh)
    Yay, I won! Thank you!

  6. Sherry,

    In retrospect, it wasn't so bad. There was, however, this incident with a bottle of olive oil....

    You are always a winner!

  7. I WOULD LOVE to learn how to make Pimento cheese spread. Hate the stuff from the store.

    As for me, there was a time when I made a three layer cheese cake, from scratch, the spring form pan bottom fell and said cheese cake ended up all OVER the oven, floor, and me. It's been at least 5 years and I have yet to make another one.

    I must admit, I had to laugh a bit...I do understand your moment....

  8. M.V. Here's what you do:

    Precious's Pimento Cheese
    8 oz. pepper jack
    8 oz. sharp cheddar
    1 4 oz. jar of chopped pimento, drained
    equal parts of low fat and regular mayo (It got to be Hellman's or Duke's)

    Grate the cheeses. Add the drained pimento (be careful)
    Add the mayo. Start out with about 1/4 cup of each. Add more if you like it creamier. You can use all of one or the other, but this makes is rich without all the fat. Yeah, I know. As if it matters considering the cheese.

  9. You are a GODDESS!
    Thank you!