I had a particularly bad weekend and now I find my week isn’t getting much better. My old horse, Sugar, has been declining in the last month, won’t eat and is losing weight rapidly. I have tried so many homeopathic remedies, vet remedies and just plain trying to get her to eat by feeding her by hand. It became apparent this weekend that if I didn’t do something, she wasn’t going to make it. Determined and distraught, I stayed with her, day and night, coaxing and pleading. This doesn’t have a bad ending, at least not yet, because she seems to be doing better; even ate her breakfast this morning without me standing there. Perhaps we have turned a corner.
I also have a lot of older animals, all with ailments like arthritis and such. As I look around I see that my time is coming to face heartbreak and sadness but then, I would never had known the joy of these loyal animals. The conundrum I put myself in is what everyone faces – you get the animals and you forget that some day you will face the inevitable. I am a stubborn person, not one to give in easily. When I am dealing with a problem I face it, then I try to determine how I can control it. I never learned the lesson of quitting; it’s not in my nature.
I started thinking in the wee hours of the morning Sunday that I have to learn to let go. Oh, not of these wonderful animals, but of the need I have to control. I guess I think that if I work hard enough, try hard enough and do enough that I can change the outcome of things. In some situations that is true. I just haven’t learned to judge when it is really time to quit. At my age, you’d think I would have. But no, I keep pushing and pulling, trying and trying when everyone else has stopped. There are greater Forces in the universe that are at work; the Bible verse “a time to sow and a time to reap…” constantly plagues me. When will I learn?
I guess I am getting philosophical because I lost a dear friend on Sunday; a man who helped me start life as a new lawyer. He was witty, funny, and at all times a Southern gentleman. His view on life was to take it with both hands, move forward and never look back. Nothing bothered him because that was just the way things were. As I stood in the barn, thinking of that man and wondering why I couldn’t be like him, I remembered his view of taking life one day at a time. He always said you never know what is going to happen but it will be interesting. So Vule, wherever you are, thanks for reminding me – we all die but we all have a job to do while we’re here.
So if I have to control things and push, then so be it. That’s me, that’s who Cheryl is. Vule would be proud of me.