Okay, Listen Here

Okay, Listen Here

Monday, March 7, 2011

That's Code For. . . .

The Guy knows about a million computer languages because he keeps up and changes with the market. He calls them all code. There are whole yellow legal pads around my house filled with nothing but symbols in his tiny print. I guess he knows what it means, else he wouldn't do it and he sure as shooting couldn't get someone to pay him to do it. One can only hope the computer knows what it means. According to The Guy, if the computer doesn't get it, things can go very very wrong.

It's not so different in conversation. When people do not recognize when they are being spoken to in code, it can go very very wrong. As a public service, I thought I'd do a little interpreting here.

  • "I think you needed to hear this." really means "You don't so much need to hear this as I need to ruin your day by telling you this malicious piece of gossip about someone you love."

  • "I don't like to complain." really means "I love to complain. Complaining is my life's work so get a comfortable chair and a stiff drink because you're going to need it."

  • "It's not you. It's me." really means "It is exactly you. I can't stand you anymore. I'm going to take the blame because it's the most painless way to ensure that I don't have to endure you any longer. Plus, it's a small price to pay."

  • "You're not listening to me." really means "You are obviously too stupid to form your own opinion. Certainly you would agree with me if you but only had the intelligence to grasp what I am saying."

  • "She did (fill in the blank), which is fine." really means "I cannot believe that low life piece of trash did something so contrary to my basic belief system. Hell, open the gates. You're getting a new one."

  • "I need to check my schedule." really means "I would rather swallow nails and run through a magnet factory than do that but I need a little time to make an alternate plan or come up with a lie."
  • "I'm sure she's doing the best she can." really means "She is so lazy and stupid she probably wouldn't shoo a fly off her own face."

  • "I love him to death, but. . . (followed by some character flaw revelation.)" really means "I know he's your friend but I hate him from the depths of my soul and I want you to hate him too."

Yes, yes. I know there are exceptions. There always are, much like "Bless her heart," sometimes does mean just that.

But that's no fun. Share an interpretation with us.


  1. "I hate to tell you this, but ..." really means, "I am relishing crushing your spirit and have been itching to point out this flaw of yours that's so big every idiot in a 20-mile radius has already been laughing about it behind your back."

    Thankfully, I'm not around mean people anymore, except, occasionally, family members whom I cannot avoid any longer. I don't like to upset anyone, I hate it when someone is mad at me, and I hate conflict and controversy. So I hang out with nice people. Like you, Jean. :-)

  2. Oh, yeah, Melanie. That's a classic. And there's its cousin, "I wouldn't tell you this if I didn't love you." I don't even have to to interpret that one. We all know. I can appreciate biting mean humor that is not directed at a person but I, too, have weeded mean spirited people who are full of malice out of my life. It was hard at first but once I got started there was no stopping me. It was like mowing the grass.

  3. Okay, now I feel guilty, because when someone asks me to do something I ALWAYS have to check my schedule -- and I mean it in a very literal sense. Next time I see you I'll show you my little calendar that goes everywhere with me.

    As for code . . . "Never mind." It really means "If you cared one whit as much about me as you do about your stupid old Western movie, you'd listen when I speak, and this is going to come back to bite you on the a** because the next time you want me to do something it so isn't going to happen!"

  4. "I'll try to (fill in the blank)." That means you have no intention of doing it. You won't try. You won't even think about it once we've parted company. Just tell me you can't do it. I'm a big girl and can understand the word no.

    And I'm like Linda. I do have a calendar I must check. I don't carry it around with me because it's about 8 x 10 and won't fit in all my purses.


  5. “God love her….” This usually means she is a nitwit, that whatever she’s said or done proves that she doesn’t have sense enough to come in out of the rain.

  6. "I'll get to that as soon as I have time" really means I'm not bloody likely to get to that anytime soon, so don't hold your breath.

  7. ML and PM--Okay, I admit it. Some people really do have to check their schedules. It's all in the tone of the voice. And it's better than, "Uh...sure. Great!" which means "I'm going to say yes, but I'm not going to show up. I'm probably not even going to call and cancel." I taught The Guy to fear "Never mind" early on. It's one of the reasons we still want to be married to each other. And ah, yes. "I'll try."

    Beverly--Oh, yes. God love her. Somebody has to.

    Crystal--Good one. "have time" means after I read the paper, watch two reruns of House, play with my pet, stare into space for a while.

  8. Wow! Y'all know a lot of code talk.

    I always think of that friends episode where they talk about what break up code means..."We need to take a break" means it's really over and "I think we should see other people" means I already am seeing other people.

  9. Stephanie--Wisdom according to Friends. I miss that show!

  10. Geez! I've said all these before and meant each word as said. Sure hope I wasn't taken wrong? :(

  11. "I know she doesn't have a mean bone in her body," really means "She's so mean that Jesus Christ wouldn't be in the same room with her, and He's forgiving." I have always watched anyone that is said about because eventually that meanness just has to erupt and I don't want to be around when it does.

  12. Kathy, you are completely kind.
    Cheryl, So true. Run from the man every time!