Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Never Say Never
A few years ago I made a list of things I swore I'd never do. I wrote it right in my DayRunner where I also keep a record of those I believe have wronged me or mine. (But that's another blog.)
I will never: (the list read)
1. Eat raw fish.
2. Get a tattoo.
3. Board a cruise ship for any reason.
4. Get a massage.
5. Carry a plastic purse.
6. Ever again drink tequila.
7. Write a blog.
I have violated two of those things and, today, I violate a third. Let me quickly say that when I made that seventh vow, most of the blogs I'd read were poorly written exercises in ego by people who disdained commas but loved exclamation points and incorrectly used ellipses. It also seemed that many of these bloggers forgot they were not writing in little fabric covered books with cheap brass locks. Furthermore, they often became angry when they discovered their enemies were reading what they had put out on the World Wide Web.
Before I learned there were smart funny well written blogs out there, I went so far as to write a few "blogs" in the before mentioned style to send to a few of my friends who shared my view. Clearly, I did not have enough to do.
Here is an excerpt from what made its way from my holier-than-thou brain to my keyboard:
Listening to: My very own important thoughts.
First, I got up at 6:40. I checked my blood pressure (118/77). Then I went to the bathroom and put in my contacts. Then I made the bed! Then I stood back and admired the room. and decided it looked great, mostly because of me!!!!!!!!!! Then I went to get my oatmeal and realized there wasn’t any. I had to eat toast. I like orange marmalade best so I had some of that. This was homemade. Cookie gave it to me. She bought it at the Saint John’s Bazaar. The label says it's Seville Orange. I very much doubt that. I am very smart and know a lot about oranges—and, well really, everything—and you can’t get Seville Oranges around here. I drank a Diet Mt. Dew (Oh, Elixir of Life, Diet Mt Dew!!!!!!!) I made coffee. Then there a came noise from outside!! I spent some time wondering what it was. Tucker kitty ran off. Can't stand noise, that Tucker. Then it dawned on me!!!! My yardman was here!!!! He was going to want to be paid soon and I was wearing my nightclothes!!! Shorts and a t-shirt!!!!!! Oh, no!!! I ran up and got in the shower. I got dressed in white cropped pants with little flowers on them and a short sleeved silk pink sweater. I finished my great look with pink flip-flops. I put on earrings…..earrings that would have been really impressive if they weren't CZs!!! You never know when all the yardmen might get together and make comments on the accessories of the people they work for. I want them to think I am great. I know they will. I wrote him a check. I waited until he finished with my yard. I went out and paid him. We talked about the weather and the trip I am going to take. I told him things that are not interesting to him but I told it anyway because he is bound to care, because I am so great. He did not comment on my earrings.
So there you have it. When I say never, I say it in a big way, which can make for some mighty fine humble pie. Though I am not going to say never, I will endeavor to: 1. Write well. That might mean different things on different days. 2. Remember that this is the World Wide Web and I am, in affect, putting a billboard on the moon. As for my ego—that is a problem but, after all, it is my blog.
Oh, and in my defense on the two other vows I violated—who knew spicy tuna rolls were so yummy or that Beijo would come out with such sassy upscale bags that can be cleaned with Windex?
Have you done something that you swore you never would?