We all know one – that person who is the smartest, most intellectual person in the world and who is not afraid to tell you. It’s that person that everyone shuns because to speak a word to that person interminably traps you for hours listening to them espouse their latest accomplishments. It’s that person who is never wrong, never able to see their own faults and who NEVER listens to other people. It’s that person who, upon hearing another speak of some accomplishment, has been there, done that and has done it a whole lot better. It’s that person you must avoid at all costs or your day will suddenly become bleaker and colder…downright dismal.
I am on a rant today because of that type of person. By definition, I believe the person suffers from what is termed Narcissistic Personality Disorder. This is not a mental disease but rather a problem with personality – what makes this person function. The NPD person needs others to validate themselves at any cost. As one friend put it “She/he is just a bad person.” The disorder is pervasive, and according to the news, becoming more pervasive in American society. The disorder is not curable and most psychologists shudder when they speak of it. We all know a person who: has no empathy; only cares for his/herself; never accepts responsibility for his/her actions; is adept at blaming others (called projection); believes he/she is entitled to special treatment just because; and attaches his/her self to nice people to feed his/her ego. LJ has repeatedly termed this type of person an “emotional vampire.” She’s right - Vampires do exist, I know, I’ve seen one in action.
These vampires cruise for prey, watching and lurking in the shadows until some unwitting NICE person goes by. Then, wham, the vampire attaches like a suckerfish. The emotional vampire will then proceed to feed, bleeding the poor person dry before moving on to the next hapless victim. You have no clue that this is a narcissistic person until it is too late and you are caught in his/her web. These people usually require complete adoration, complete devotion and will not tolerate any insubordination from their “possessions” and that means you.
So what to do with these vampires? You cannot drive a stake through their hearts because, in all honesty, I don’t think you would find one. The suggestions on all the websites state “Ignore, Ignore, Ignore. DO NOT ENGAGE.” Which means, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE and don’t look back. I have to say that is harder than it sounds because these types are relentless in their pursuit of attention, good or bad. I have had to practice this time and time again but I think I am getting the hang of ignoring (as all of you know, my personality is to confront and destroy so this is hard for me). To try to correct this vampirism is kind of like beating your head against a brick wall – useless. You will never convince them that what they are doing is wrong, self-centered and, simply put, without conscience.
My next book, which is still in the thinking stages, is going to involve one of these NPD persons. I believe they make the ultimate villain/bad girl. They are never wrong. They plot and scheme, using others to get ahead. They destroy people with little or no thought. The only thing that matters is them. The real problem comes in how you get rid of them so the heroine can ultimately prevail. I don’t want my heroine to be weak and IGNORE. I want her to confront the issue and make the NPD person see her foibles. That would never happen in real life because NPD people won’t listen. I could make the villain listen but what good is that? No satisfaction. At least in fiction you can kill them…
Do you know an emotional vampire? Do you feel like a victim every time you talk to them? How do you deal with that person who knows more, has done more and will forever be better than you? I know, I can hear you say “I just avoid them” but some of these people won’t let you or you have to work with them or they are part of your family. So tell me how you get rid of them or, hopefully, make them see the light. I need fodder for my next book.
I plead the Fifth. ~grin~
ReplyDeleteI think some of us southern women have a hard time with emotional vampires is because we're southern and taught not to be rude and ignore someone. But one encounter with an EV and it's much easier to tune out that little voice in your head that's saying, "Be nice."
Marilyn
I agree Marilyn. As Southerners we have been raised to be polite. That makes it extremely hard to ignore these people. What I would really like to do is tell the person "You are not the center of the universe" but my grandmother would be aghast at my lack of manners. I think these NPD know that is a weakness and they exploit it ruthlessly.
ReplyDeleteA friend of mine has written a wonderful book on this subject. If you'd like to contact him, let me know and I will make an online introduction although he lives right here in our neck of the woods! Here's a link to his book: http://www.amazon.com/Psychic-Vampires-Protection-Predators-Parasites/dp/0738701912/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1314108027&sr=8-1
ReplyDeleteAlso check out this article http://www.llewellyn.com/journal/article/513
You might recognize the person demonstrating the finger interlock technique. :-)
Good luck with your story!
Hey Debra, yes I would like to meet him. I have a thousand and one questions. Isn't it strange that this is becoming such a regular subject? I think our society is breeding them. Gone are the days of thinking of others first. Sigh...
ReplyDeleteDebra, I read the Llewellyn article. Wow, this is great stuff! The man is very intriguing with his theories!
ReplyDeleteI think there's another type of emotional vampire too. The needy person who sucks the life out of you with a constant barrage of self-criticism which invites you to always have to say, "No, you're fine, you're perfect, you're great, you aren't bad, you can do it, you can do it, you can do it." Also very tiring.
ReplyDeleteBut yeah, I know both types unfortunately. NPD would definitely be a villain. The needy vampire would need your opinion as to whether or not he or she could possibly be a villain and would then dither over it forever no matter what you said. :)
I think, Lynn, you have run into a person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. These people have low self-esteem and are constantly sucking everyone around them dry in order to "feed." It's hard to deal with these people.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I know about the indecisive NPD person, could get sticky. But there are some, like a CEO, who might fit the bill. Kind of like Merryl Streep in "Devil Wears Prada." She was one...
This blog grabbed my attention. Ironically, just last night I had a small breakdown after having three different people trying to feed off of me in the span of a few hours. When the hubby finally made me sit down and talk to him, all I could tell him was: "I'm so tired. I've got nothing left to give these people. Not that what I do give does a lick of good in the first place..."
ReplyDeleteSadly, I know enough emotional vampires to make me wonder if I must represent some particularly alluring vintage. :P I suspect I have some personality flaw that's resulted in an invisible target being painted on my back. The difficulty for me is in determining who I can actually help, and to whom my time and emotional investment would be the equivalent of "casting pearls before swine".
Everybody has a bad day now and then, and sometimes we need other people to speak life into us. (Preferably, those who aren't overburdened and have life to spare.) But those who consistently suck the life out of everyone around them are an exception. The hardest part can be telling the Narcissists (the chronically self-interested but emotionally capable) from the Sociopaths (the emotionally depraved and conscious-less). Narcissists can be repaired, when they reach a point where their self-destructive tendencies drive them to desire and seek help. Although, trying to help them before they've hit bottom and actually -want- to change is indeed an exercise in futility.
Sociopaths, on the other hand, can't be 'fixed'. They see their dysfunction as a distinct advantage over more inferior beings (regular, functional people) cursed by the restrictions of remorse and guilt. It's been my experience that the latter are the ones you really have to be careful about, as they tend to be the better actors/manipulators. I believe the rates are something like 4% (1 in 25 people) in Western societies could be considered Sociopathic. Odds are, you know a few. Unlike what the media might have you believe, very few thrive on violence or even bother with it in getting their way, unless they have to.
Has anyone seen the movie 'Tangled' yet? Yeah...Mother Gothel=Perfect Sociopath
Sorry to blather on...I have entirely too much enthusiasm for this subject. I really recommend 'The Sociopath Next Door' by Martha Stout for anyone trying to identify the markers and decide how to handle these kinds of people. I know I pulled a lot of good villain material out of it, at the very least! :) http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/sociopath-next-door-martha-stout/1100024283
Angela, you sound like me the other night when I sat down to write this blog. I had been drained to the point of unconsciousness. I hate saying this but I have had to disengage from these people. I have so little left for myself. It seems that no matter what you say to them, encouragement, advice etc. they always come back for more (having totally disregarded that two-hour phone call with you during which you pumped them up and gave them insights).
ReplyDeleteThere are Malignant/Sociopathic Narcissists who are really dangerous. I know, I have dealt with one. From what I have researched, the number for them, diagnosed, is about 8% of the population (error rate might be plus or minus 2% - so conceivably 10% of the population - scary). They view you as their possessions, as if they actually own you and your time. If you balk in anyway, hell will rain down on you from all sides. That is just getting a little too intense for me. I have cut all of this off. I will not respond because that is what they want - good or bad attention feeds them. They present a "game face" to the world but oh boy, if you ever see their real face, you will run. They are manipulative and deceitful for their own gains, running over you like a bulldozer and, funny thing, you don't notice it until it's too late.
I have lived my life not really knowing about the psychology of this type of person and would have rather go on in ignorance. But necessity has made me do the research and from what I have found, we all need to educate ourselves. Other clusters of disorders, which go with NPD, are histrionic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. I know we deal with these types every day and just aren't aware of it. Kind of scary. Makes you want to hide.
After reading that article that Debra suggested, I am heading to a New Age Store to purchase crystals. Okay, so everybody laugh at me, but that guy made a heck of a lot of sense. After all, we have no clue about what 90% of our brain is capable of. Read that Llewellyn link that Debra put in her comment. I am sincerely fascinated by this. I also liked the finger-lock method that Debra mentioned. I am willing to try anything at this point.
Fascinating discussion! I think we run across them online too. I know I've been seriously affected by a person with NPD whom I know online. The constant need for attention and reassurance has driven me insane to the point I've had to pull back from some things because it's screwing with my well-being. I'm hoping that finger lock technique might help. ;)
ReplyDeleteOh, yeah I know that person. No one else is smarter, cooler, or busier. No one else has been so shortchanged and mistreated.
ReplyDeleteLet me gnaw my arm off now.
This will do it every time: "Pardon me. I have to go to the bathroom."
ReplyDeleteWow! Many of you have expanded on this subject better than I ever could.
ReplyDeleteFirst thought that came into my head was... "Calgon take me away."
Jean, don't gnaw off your arm.
This is a very interesting post today, Cheryl. I'll make sure to check the sites, Debra gave us, out.
Lynn, it doesn't matter what you say to them, they are never satisfied. It's not the conversation but the attention that feeds them. There are videos on YouTube about how to recognize a Narcissist on Facebook. It must be pretty prevalent. The social media is a boon to their kind.
ReplyDeleteJean, I have had to resist the urge of gnawing my own arm at times. I will have to use the restroom escape, sounds like it might work.
Kathy, when I wrote this I didn't know so many of us had these experiences. It is very scary that there are people out there who don't care for anyone except themselves. I long for the days when people genuinely cared about others.
ReplyDeleteActually, I had a person follow me into the bathroom when I said, "Excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom."
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say it was a very strange experience.
They are insidious! Following you into the bathroom, Stephanie? Did she keep talking? I told you - they don't stop!
ReplyDeleteInteresting about the crystals. I bought some last year just because I thought they were pretty. I also recently took a class in Reiki and am a beginning Reiki practitioner. My instructor said I could power my crystals using Reiki. I need to get busy!
ReplyDeleteMarilyn
PM, I went to a local store in Huntsville, The Dream Maker, and was amazed at the different stones and crystals! I bought a crystal (which I programmed according to the directions on the web page that Debra suggested), a tourmaline and a unakite. The people there were very nice. They also had some very pretty things. I liked the place! As I told you before, I am up for volunteering when you are ready to practice Reiki.
ReplyDelete