Okay, listen here…I have heard just about everything and why am I surprised? We are all writers, some aspiring and some of our lucky friends published. We all share the dream of being a “New York Times Bestseller.” But really, what I have seen lately has disheartened me greatly.
Ira Krasnow, a journalist, blogger on the Huffington Post AND “New York Times Bestselling Author”, has recently published a book called “The Secret Lives of Wives.” The book is a culmination of interviews with two hundred women and over two years of research. In the book, Krasnow talks about how women keep a marriage going. And do you know what? In one chapter, the book states that cheating might be a way to spice up the marriage! She interviewed women who advocate open marriage, swinging and, the time-honored simply cheating. The author states that in her twenty-three year marriage she and her husband have remained monogamous and she doesn’t condone it. Yeah right, this chapter alone has made her newsworthy – being on the “Today” show and having numerous newspaper articles written about this very issue (Sales anyone?). In her defense, she states that new statistics show that eighty percent of men and sixty percent of women would cheat if they knew they wouldn’t get caught. So is cheating the answer to a long marriage? I seriously doubt it. See article: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2011/10/11/the-secret-lives-of-wives-is-cheating-the-secret-to-a-happy-marriage.html
My major beef with this book is that we, as writers, strive to be published and we work hard at it. Then someone comes along with such drivel and instantly this person will skyrocket to the top of the bestseller lists because of such controversy (watch this book people – it will make the bestseller lists, you just wait and see). And since we write romance, should we consider putting in a little cheating between the heroine and some other guy, just to keep things interesting? I can already hear the screams of outrage and the “no’s!” but would you let me know your opinion on this? Should we keep up with the trends and write the cheating into our stories? I for one do not think so. People want a happy ending (see Jean’s blog yesterday). They want romance and not some slut running around on her boyfriend or husband (who wants to identify with that?). Let me know if you think a “cheating heart” is the next great phase in romance.
No. And I will start believing in statistics when they ask me.
ReplyDeleteNo, no, no. Sheesh! I'm with Jean. No one asked me! My answers might've skewed their poll. -- LJ
ReplyDeleteAs the victim of adultery, I can assure you it did anything BUT spice up my marriage. He might have felt excited during the years he got by with it, but once I found out, he learned just what wrath could rain down upon him. My world crumbled and three years later I'm still in therapy trying to recover.
ReplyDeleteWe call the leading man in a romance novel a hero for a reason. And a hero doesn't cheat on the woman he loves. A villain does.
This book bothers me on so many levels. And the part about doing it if you wouldn't get caught shows just how low some people's ethical standards have fallen. A marriage is a contract between two people and part of that is to be faithful.
Maybe Huffington Post should interview men and women in divorce recovery groups all over America and get their take on things.
Sheesh!
I know Jean - statistics can be skewed to represent whatever the person wants. I wonder what group she interviewed. Since she's from California and a couple of the people she interviewed were from there also, is it just a "West Coast" thing? Hmm...I wonder.
ReplyDeleteHey LJ, yeah, no one asked me either. I haven't read the book; I seriously doubt I will buy it but I wonder what the other chapters say. This one chapter was singled out because of it's controversial stance. The news has really hyped it up.
You're right, Anonymous. I wonder what people who have suffered through something like cheating would say to the news. Maybe our ethical standards have fallen low in this country and you're right, marriage is a sacred contract.
So I take it so far that a cheating slut would not sell romance books. I agree whole-heartedly. Our genre is to show the good in people and in relationships. Cheating sluts are definitely not something a reader would identify with.
Oh, breaking news! I just read the paper and Dear Abby is about this very subject. A therapist wrote in advocating non monogamous relationships, complete with advice on how to acclimate family and friends.
ReplyDeleteThis is disgusting. But controversy sells books. This person may have only put this in the book to cause controversy and enhance her sales. There are a lot of depraved people in the world who may like the idea of adultery and "swinging" and that other stuff, but those aren't the people I'm writing for! Most people want "happily ever after" and cheating is not the way to get it.
ReplyDeleteSee Jean. It's EVERYWHERE. If you click the link and then read the story this woman was interviewed on the Today show. What press time has been given this book is amazing. Maybe it's an epidemic.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right Melanie. It is disgusting. I think that these people are just sad and looking for someone else's happiness because they can't make their own. The grass is always greener...
Wow...I had to do a quick check. Nope, we still haven't found cures for any of the more prevalent viral-based STDs. So, obviously, the medical consequences of non-monogamous relationships are still going strong--meaning that those who are cheated on are still potentially having their very lives threatened by the behavior of the betraying counterpart.
ReplyDeleteI know it's only believable to have flawed heroes and heroines, but this isn't what most readers have in mind!
I think what it actually comes down to is this: we're seeing a total re-defining of marriage in the current culture. Some people want marriage to represent their own personal definition of it--the way that most benefits their perception, suits their wants, and pressures others not to call them on their motives. I read recently that it's becoming a trend to 'adjust' the traditional vows from 'as long as we both shall live' to 'as long as we both shall love.' I'm tempted to start a deadpool against marriages that deliberately leave open escape routes.
But then, I didn't simply enter into a legal marriage contract. I entered into a spiritual bonding to someone I knew I wouldn't always feel like loving. I know that doesn't sound terribly romantic, but it's not something I've ever regretted.
~Angela Blount
Hey Angela. I don't think anyone stops long enough to realize the dangers of STDs. Nor do they stop to think of the dangers of pissed off wives. LOL
ReplyDeleteYes, culture is re-defining the commitment of marriage to suit individuals. But I am with you on the deadpool idea. Count me in for a twenty.
The one thing that most people in this quick gratification society don't realize is that marriage is a roller-coaster of feelings. You are very smart at such a young age to realize that during the marriage your love will wax and wane. However, you will never be able to replace that best friend so you stick with it until the cycle repeats. How insightful you are!
What a travesty! I can't believe the lengths to which some people will go to sell a book. Pretty darned stupid if you ask me. The world already has an askewed view of marriage.
ReplyDeleteAngela said it right. You fall in love with someone knowing you will not always like each other. Two people grow to share an unbreakable connection, but that connection is only unbreakable if both partners learn to bend like a willow, with every branch protecting/sheltering the supporting trunk. By bend, I mean learn to love when you don't like. Love even when times are tough. Believe in that love until the end of your days. Give love the respect it deserves and never forget to nourish the spark that brought you together.
Relationships, whether they be via family, marriage or friendship, take work. Nothing earned means nothing gained.
Yes Kathy, you have to work at the relationship to make it work; not throw in the towel and go looking for something or someone else. We all have to keep in mind that, to keep our best friend, we have to understand feelings change and we must adapt. Love is constant and you have to believe in it!
ReplyDeleteI have a friend going through a divorce because he has been cheating on her for years. It's amazing how many people have condemned her for not loving him 'unconditionally' and for 'denying him the future with his children and a chance to grow old with her'. The only stupid thing she's done is put up with it for so long. I'm sick of it. Call it what it is - ADULTERY. She's being hounded and emotionally abused. This isn't entertainment, folks. It's horrible and definitely NOT romance! (coming down off my soapbox, now....)
ReplyDeleteThat is the craziest thing I have ever heard!!
ReplyDeleteI would think that cheating is the last thing a person should do to help a relationship.
That is just nuts!!
I agree with you that writing has hit an all-time low with this book. Romance writers hold up an ideal for us to escape with....and I certainly don't want to escape with someone who is not a hero...heroes have the courage and the character to stick with relationships even when they are difficult. Lowering our standards in marriage and in long term relationships is no way to preserve them.
ReplyDeleteOh Cathy! I am so sorry for your friend! There is no reason to blame her for his betrayals. She certainly does not deserve it. I wonder, again, what people are thinking.
ReplyDeleteStephanie, it is rather crazy, isn't it? Cheating is not excusable and all it does is destroy. I still can't think why people believe it helps a relationship.
Thanks for dropping by Cynthia. You are right: we cannot lower our standards in marriage. I guess sluts won't be the in-thing for romance writers because no one likes them!
All I can tell you is the trend won't be happening in my romance books - either the ones I write or the ones I buy to read.
ReplyDeleteThank goodness Carol! I am with you - I don't want to write or read a book with a slut in it!
ReplyDelete